"I just can't help myself." "I start and I can't stop." "It's like something comes over me." "I couldn't do.....I don't know why." These are some of the comments people make when they engage in compulsive behaviors. Yes, it does feel like the behavior, habit, or even certain moods come on, take over and have a life of their own. People depersonalize to some extent, go into a trance, to numb out feelings and thoughts, and it hurts to face reality, take charge and exercise self-control.
Real physical addiction, like alcoholism, does come with a desparate physical craving, of course. Even with addictions, when people stop, they realize there's choice involved. Biochemistry plays a role in moods, too, but changing environment and behavior changes biochemistry, in turn. I'm talking about compulsive eating, choosing to stay home when going out would help overcome anxiety, and other behaviors over which there's choice. (I know I've written too much about taking personal responsibility for harmful behavior, so I promise not to keep belaboring this point in future posts.) It's just that it's so easy not to think .
It's a form of learned helplessness and dependency in which it seems easier to suffer the repercussions of the depressive or compulsive behavior than to handle or accept life as it is. Truth is, though, that it's no harder to deal with real feelings, real situations, and real people than to hide behind a disability, once a person gets used to taking responsibility for herself. In fact, while engaged in the disabling behavior, he has that problem plus whatever he's not facing. Being real, ultimately, feels good because there's an integrity to being authentic.
A car mechanic compliments a woman's husband, saying that he'sso nice, always so polite. The woman thinks, "but he's unfaithful, a liar, a thief." How nice is that? A neighborhood woman comments about her friendly, helpful, nice neighbor, who is also dating a married man. A couple has started dating and they're so romantic and comfortable together. Neither has yet seen the other's capacity for manipulation, guilt, anger, and self-pity, which played out so avidly in past relationships.
People do change. They do show different aspects of themselves in different situations. Yet, deception is rampant, too, so be careful not to judge quickly, to suspend belief until you really know the full story, and to relaize that there are two or more sides to every image or story.
]]>A nice, friendly, smart teenager turns hostile towards her mother in my office waiting room. She's furious about being part of a family drama that has gone way out of her control. She uses the excuse that her mother didn't explain the evaluation at my office well enough today. She knows that she's angry because of what's become of her separated family and her lack of control. She struggles to hate the parent who's love she knows she won't lose. She knows she doesn't hate her. She releases her anger on her mother by talking back, refusing to cooperate, and treating her with disdain. She internalizes her anger and pain into depression and then masks all that turmoil with overeating. She understands these dynamics to some extent herself. She needs help. She wants it.
Children, especially, show their depression in the form of expressed anger. Of course, adults do, too, but depressed adults also implode more, just vegetating in hopelessness. In a way, children are stronger because by acting out, the draw attention to their pain. Let's not talk about them as having a "conduct disorder" or "behavioral issues." Let's look at the life situation to which they're reacting, understand what's going on inside them, empathize and help with understanding and coping strategies which give them healthy self-respect-building outlets.
]]>Even people who don't have these choices can make sure that they use their time as well as possible. If a family member is ill, then, at least, let the caretaker enjoy time with their loved one, enjoy the support of family and friends, find a bit of entertainment in one way or another, whether it's reading a book, watching a movie, hanging with a friend or enjoying some scenery.People aren't always careful not to waste precious time doing more chores than necessary, earning more money than they need, worrying about everything that doesn't matter, sucking up to people who don't care about them, and learning things they'll soon forget. Again, time is all we have. Let's use it wisely.
]]>So, how can anyone figure out the right balance of space and togetherness? I think it's so complicated that many factors are relevant, such as health, emotionality, background, pressures, and current events. For example, if the husband is achey and sore from yardwork, he needs space for a few hours but not for days at a time. If the wife has a history filled with lots of affection and attention, and intact self-esteem and independence, she needs contact more than space regularly but not constantly. If the child is prone to adventure and self-reliance from years of training, he needs space with the parents' support and blessing. If the child has trouble concentrating and remembering, she may need reminders and supervision more than space but gradually-increasing opportunities to be on her own. I know marriages whih thrive on weeks of separation to pursue independent work or goals, like travel, and others which thrive on doing everything together. Some alternate from one pattern to another.
The algorithym could get so tricky with so many variables to take into account. It's lucky there's the human option of using intuition, making compromises, learning from trial and error, and communication in which each tells the other what he/she needs at the moment.
]]>So many of my patients are plagued by their sorrows, anxieties and jealousies. Certainly, they need to work through and with their pain and learn to see beyond their immediate worlds to a sense of good choices, integrity and hope. Perhaps, giving can be part of their solution. Not enabling, not losing themselves in charity, just simple giving for joy in a way which enriches and does not deplete them. It's a matter o
]]>Now, let's say that a dictator makes threats or takes action against his people or against other countries. The opposing powers threaten to beat down this dictator but can't do it. The other countries declare a red line but nothing happens when it's crossed. So, the dictator's threats and demands grow and grow. Either there's a stand-off eventually or the dictator remains as threatening and abusive as ever....
The lesson-empty threats are worse than doing or saying nothing. They destroy any chance of respect. Either, threaten to do something possible or ignore the tyrant properly, so that he doesn't feel as powerful as when he knows he has your full attention.
I saw a mother who's little child was disturbing the peace at the supermarket calmly declare, "Well I'm going to buy some delicious food for people who don't run around the store. See you later." Of course, the child suddenly behaved well.
]]>I've seen people turn towards integrity, health, and morality off an on all week. They weren't helped by their backgrounds but by a desire to be good and true to themselves and those they love. Just when it would have been easy to give up, to lie, to deny the truth, to whine and complain, to make excuses, they stood tall and brave, faced reality, told the truth, and did what was right and good. They weren't helped by money, looks, vast intelligence, talent, or good fortune. They just decided to be good and just, to do themselves and society a favor, to help rather than hurt.
For all the bad news we get from the media, there are people every day who turn things around for the better.
]]>For example, I'm aware of several marital disappointments going on in my circle of patients and friends, maybe even my own life. We're all getting older and have to deal with health issues and energy loss. Some experience tempatations and distractions which interfere with their marriages. Our friends suffer from a variety of diseases, personality problems and health crises which scare us for the future. Then, there are those on medications which interact badly. Our visions of growing older gracefully, of staying young forever, or of never-failing romance and passion have been sadly shattered. Compared to the amputees, all of these problems count for nothing. But, each one's pain and suffering is significant and relevant, important and maybe even life-changing, in its own way.
So, for the amputees and for the marital crises, for the problems of aging and the difficulties of relationship change, there are choices, as always--to become perssimistic and give up, to hang on to all that is good and work around the negative, to find whatever therapies and solutions can help, and to focus on commitment, companionship, sensitivity, compensation, and happy surprises.
]]>From criminal cases I've examined, I can only say, "all of the above" is a possible answer. I think of the abused, neglected kid who never formed warm, loving attachments, just superficial, empty interactions, who learned to hate others as a projection of his own feelings of damage and worthlessness. I think of the well-meaning but spoiled, impulsive kid who didn't think ahead, and joined a group or gang who adopted him and made him feel liked . He, then, learned to fight against the gang's or fundamentalist radical group's perceived enemies. I think of the paranoid schizophrenic who snapped and killed his vision of the devil in the form of a store clerk. We can try to make sense of it, but it never makes sense.
In fact, for every criminal abused and neglected kid, there's a good person who experienced the same garbage and compensated well, learning how to form constractive relationships. For every spoiled brat, there's someone who's been indulged and grew up OK anyway. Even paranoid schizophrenics don't usually harm anyone. They're scared and seek help.
I think it takes a special horrible blend of emotional and intellectual distortion on the part of the criminal combined with the worst social influences, stresses and brainwashing and a confluence of opportunities. Life is scary and unpredictable. In any community, it's hard to judge who is going to crack or plot. We can be vigilant and inform authorities about real threats. However, we don't want to become like Communist Russia and "inform" on innocents who present no danger. It's a fine line.
]]>Later, the media informed everyone about the Boston marathon bombing. It's reminiscent of the Washington suburban sniper, but the media compares it more to the Oklahoma City bombing, because of the ammunition . So, until the culprits are caught and punished, we'll be on edge. How can people possibly avoid terror? Take a lesson from Israel, among other countries all over the world where people live in fear of attack daily. No, take a lesson from parts of LA, Detroit, Chicago and Washington, where drive-by shootings, fatal bullying and gang warfare are routine. How do people function in these environments?
Not that I have a solution, but I do know that there are plenty of people, patients of mine among them, who fill their souls with anxiety over nothing much, from washing dishes to going on a date. There are others who bravely face illnesses, life transitions and losses, and fearful environments with courage and inner peace. Let's learn from them. No matter how terrible the terrorist wants us to feel, let's refuse. Let's go inside, take care of our souls, believe in what's good and do whatever makes the world a better place ourselves, depspite forces to the contrary.
]]>Except in cases of abuse, children need both parents. Ideally, they stay in the same school district. Most don't which makes it complicated to time share the child equally. There's no easy answer. It's always a matter of compromise. The biggest obstacle is the hostility between the parents, their inability and refusal to see life from each others' perspective, and the modeling of rejection for the child. No matter what the custody schedule, there will be lifelong scars. Some adults know better, but those aren't the ones who end up in court.
]]>So, person no. 1 craves life, whle person no. 2 thinks of death and destroys her life. She avoids fun and happiness. Blame biochemistry. Blame upbringing. Blame poor choices. Blame personality. It's a mystery and doctors aren't figuring it out. Maybe, she holds the key.I hope so.
Life is precious. When it's threatened, it's scary and painful. When it's abused, it's like a violation.
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